Your first munch

That is genuinely most of the answer. A munch is a group of kinky people meeting in an ordinary pub, bar or café, in ordinary clothes, to talk. It is where most people in this scene meet everybody else they know.

Nothing happens at a munch. No play, no gear, no expectations — that is the point of it. It exists so that people can meet each other with their clothes on first.

Most people at their first munch arrived alone. The organiser expects it, and the group is usually easy to find: look for the largest table, or the one with somebody visibly keeping an eye on the door.

If you would rather not walk in cold, message the organiser beforehand and say it is your first one. It is a normal thing to say and they will look out for you. Most organisers would far rather hear from you than have you stand outside deciding not to come in.

Arriving a little after the start is easier than being first. Leaving early is fine and needs no explanation.

Munches are in public venues, so it is street clothes. No gear, no uniform, nothing that marks you out — and if you own gear, leaving it at home for your first one costs you nothing. Where an event does expect something specific, it says so on its own page.

Scene names are completely ordinary here and nobody will ask you for anything else. You do not owe anyone your job, your surname, or what you are into. “I’m still working that out” is a complete answer to what brings you along, and a common one.

Being clear about this, because it is what stops people coming:

• Nobody will expect you to play, then or ever.
• Nobody will expect you to have a label, a role, or a fully worked-out answer.
• Nobody will touch you. Asking first is the whole culture here, not a formality.
• Nobody will expect you to drink.
• Nobody will out you. Discretion is the one thing this scene is genuinely good at.

If any of that is not true of a particular night, it is a problem with that night. Tell the organiser, and tell us.

Plenty of people here are not out. A photograph with somebody in the background can cost them their job or their family, so the rule everywhere is to ask everyone in the shot first — and taking a photograph is not permission to put it online. Many events set this out on their own page under Photography.

Organisers can mark an event as welcoming to first-timers, and you can list only those. Every event page also says what the access is like, what the photography rules are, and how to reach the organiser before you commit to anything.